Dear Mike,
How am I suppose to be thankful to and have faith in a God that has:
1. Removed all of my extended family from me (leaving me with no one – LITERALLY)
2. Taken my husband from me for 7 years; give me the hope of restoration (that HE PROMISED!) and now has harden his heart to divorce me
3. Taken my 3 young children from me so that I cannot be a mother
4. Taken all of my closest friends from me and no one knows what to say to me or even wants to be around me
I have no one to call upon who will understand what I’ve been learning except a God that claims that He is good? I have no desire to call on Him because I don’t believe in such a cruel God … plus He doesn’t answer me anyway.
Unbelievable! And you say that we are to have hope? How? In what? The 1st Resurrection? Hogwash! Paul got to experience the third heaven. I believe that helped him endure his suffering. We are just suppose to go on sheer faith that the anticipated end is much better than this? Call me stupid, but “humans” in this ugly flesh of ours don’t just hope for nothing. We need motivation. We need encouragement. We need signs and signals along the way. Yes, even with the help of the Spirit. No one is so spiritual that they can just anticipate with such exuberance that the winds and the waves of life don’t knock them over. That just absolute nonsense!
How am I supposed to “be encouraged” that He considers me worthy of suffering? Suffering tremendous loss that paralyzes me beyond my capacity? Suffering the loss of the things that He gave me in the first place? Suffering loss while others watch in disgust and ridicule? What is that?
I was planning to type all of this in capital letters to emphasize how ANGRY and STEAMING I am right now. But I think you got the point from the subject heading.
How does any of this demonstrate the character of a “loving,” “benevolent,” God?
Struggling beyond belief,
D____

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Hi D____,

You wrote me about your situation earlier. As I said at that time I do not pretend to know why God is working with you in this way. But I have no doubt that He is “working all things after the counsel of His own will” (Eph 1:11).
You have written me to tell me that you hate God. With that in mind, I can only repeat what I wrote to you before. I will change nothing except to embolden a few words:
This trial is not being experienced to show God anything about you. It is all for your benefit to come to see yourself. It is being experienced to show your husband and your children what God wants them to know and to see. The lessons being learned may not be appreciated in this life time, but they will be appreciated in their appointed time.
If indeed God has preordained that this marriage be dissolved, then all of your efforts to hold it together will be for nought. Just be sure you do all you can to obey God’s Word. After you have done that, then accept whatever God has in store for you, D. Do nothing that will give you any less peace of mind than you already must be suffering. This has to be a really hard and painful time. I will ask God to give you the strength to “endure to the end” and to come through this as a refined and purified vessel in His service. Put Him first above all else, and you will have peace of mind.
I feel so very helpless, but Sandi and I are praying for you, D. Keep your faith in God and His love. Don’t allow the Adversary to use this trial to take away from you the truth of the love of God which God has given to you. >God loves you, D. He will see you through all of this.

It seems like yesterday that you were telling me how thankful you were for all the truth God had revealed to you. At that time you would never have thought that you would so soon be hating God for revealing these truths to you. But here you are having to look into the mirror at the eyes of a woman who hates God for doing things His way. I do not know you except through Adam and Christ. But through those two men, I do know you. And it is only through living the lives of both of those men that anyone will ever be brought to the point of being fitted to rule over and identify with the billions of other humans who have gone through what you are right now enduring. I am begging God to give you the wisdom to realize that you cannot resist Him. Hating God is like a child hating His parents for the chastening which is inflicted by loving parents. It is counter- productive.
But you know this, or you would not have written to me. You are aware that hating God will only bring you into even greater trial until He crushes you to powder before you will be brought to the point of being reformed and remade into the image of His Son. But blaspheming God is part of “keeping the sayings of the prophecy of this book.” You are right now feeling the heat of the fire that is God’s Truth for which you were so thankful just a few weeks ago. And you are right now living out the rest of this verse:

Rev 16:9 And men [ and women] were scorched with great heat, and blasphemed the name of God, which hath power over these plagues: and they repented not to give him glory.

Do we think that this is not one of the “sayings of the prophecy of this book” which we will not have to live? I will not tell you all of my fiery experiences in this e- mail, but if you are willing to talk about what is going on for the purpose of finding meaning in it all, then let me know, and I will give you my phone number and you can talk with Sandi and me about what you are enduring. Hating God will only turn up the heat. Don’t think for one moment that just because some won’t repent in this life that they have somehow ‘shown God just how disgusted with Him they are.’ You may feel very defiant at the moment, but that is nothing but the beast which comes up out of the bottomless pit in us all which tells us that we can be the very first person in the history of the world which can indeed withstand the God of the universe. D., God loves you so much that He has seen fit to reveal you to yourself. You have been forced to admit that you love your family more than Him.

Mat 10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

You have been forced to admit that:

Mat 13:6 And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away.

That ‘sun’ is the light of God’s Word you were thanking me for just yesterday. You will indeed, like Job had to do, “wither away” and be replaced by a vessel which will be made anew.

Jer 18:4 And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.

You are in the process of being “made another vessel as seemed good to the Potter to make it.”
Being broken is not a pleasant experience. But as little as you appreciate the things of the spirit at this moment, and as much as you appreciate the things of the flesh at this moment, is just how much that will all be reversed before this is all over.
Please don’t think that I am making light of what you are enduring. I too, know the pain of suffering the loss of those who are very close to me. I too, know what it is like to be rejected by everyone. I too, have hated what God was doing with me. But I was brought to see that I could not resist his will:

Zec 3:1 And he shewed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right hand to resist him.
Zec 3:2 And the LORD said unto Satan, The LORD rebuke thee, O Satan; even the LORD that hath chosen Jerusalem rebuke thee: [ is] not this a brand plucked out of the fire?
Zec 3:3 Now Joshua was clothed with filthy garments, and stood before the angel.
Zec 3:4 And he answered and spake unto those that stood before him, saying, Take away the filthy garments from him. And unto him he said, Behold, I have caused thine iniquity to pass from thee, and I will clothe thee with change of raiment.
Zec 3:5 And I said, Let them set a fair mitre upon his head. So they set a fair mitre upon his head, and clothed him with garments. And the angel of the LORD stood by.

You are Joshua. You are clothed in filthy garments, and you hate God. But you cannot resist Him and you will one day, have those filthy garments replaced with clean garments and a crown will be put upon your head. But only after you have kept all of “the sayings of the prophecy of this book.” Only after you have lived by “every word which proceeds out of the mouth of God.” Only after you are brought face to face with the 666, beast that is within you.

You say:

I have no one to call upon who will understand what I’ve been learning except a God that claims that He is good? I have no desire to call on Him because I don’t believe in such a cruel God … plus He doesn’t answer me anyway.

You do have someone who understands what you are going through, D. I will close with the offer to speak with you whenever you want. I pray that you will be given grace to see just how much God does love you. I pray that God will give you the eyes to see just how easy it is for all of us to be devoured by the adversary. And I pray that you will be brought to appreciate a God who loves you so much that He has chosen you to see just how little you love Him and how much you treasure the things of this world above Him. It is all for the purpose of making you a new D. It is all because God loves you even more than you love the children you are mourning at this time.
Hoping to hear from you.

Mike
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Thank you!
Right now, I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. I do acknowledge that this is God working in me, however I’m not sure how to handle it all. I’m actually conscious (or maybe it’s unconscious really) of the fact that my beast is fighting the will of God. That is primarily because I was studying the Revelation series before you guys had to pull it down.
I recognize that I do love my family more than God. On one hand I feel guilty for thinking that my family isn’t “first.” But on the other hand, I know that God should be. That has been a very difficult thing for me … which, by my guess is why He is using it as a trial for me.
I also get that God is Sovereign and everything He does is after the counsel of His own will (this is why I’m rejected by most of my peers, because they don’t really believe He is Sovereign). I guess my biggest problem right now is learning how not to fight Him. I don’t want to fight Him, because He’s the only One who can help me endure. However, if it’s His Will that I resist and fight Him, then there really isn’t anything I can do. Did that make sense?
Re: letting my family go – How does one do that exactly? Am I suppose to just fly to another country and pretend like I never had children or a husband? Am I suppose to act like they don’t exist when I see them? Am I suppose to shirk my responsibilities as a mother and a wife to literally castaway to the island of Patmos? What does this look like? These are the questions that I’m not getting answers to.
Re: Hating God will only turn up the heat – They are coming closer together and getting more intense, like contractions! As I said before, I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. One minute I’m calm and peaceful and digging in my Bible reading more material. The next minute I’m screaming crazy profanities. That is just weird stuff, Mike!
The hardest thing to admit at the moment is thinking that the past 7 years have been serving God for a “worthy” cause (i. e. marriage restoration), but now knowing it has all been in vain, self- righteousness, works and filthy rags. Ugh!
This probably won’t surprise you, but I just turned 40 this year … coincidence? I think not!
I imagine I’m an “all- you- can- eat buffet” for the Adversary right now.
Thank you again, Mike for responding to my e- mail. I really know how busy you are, so I appreciate you taking time to help me make some sense of the matter. Thank you for your telephone offer as well. I will take you up on it. I’m feeling very alone right now and have no one local to hash things out with. I was studying with a friend who was getting into this material, but she has since fallen off the radar screen.
Since coming out of my blaspheming phase, I do know that God loves me otherwise He would not be chastening me so “severely.” This I know only from His Word, nowhere else. However, it is hard to accept and understand that, especially when you’re in the middle of a beastly tirade.
I am going to sit myself on Zec 3:1-5 tonight because I have never made that connection before. Thank you for pointing that out to me.
Thank you sooooo much!
D____

Good morning D____,
I have yet to prepare for my Bible study, but I am so relieved to see and read this e- mail. I don’t begin to know how exactly you are to implement letting your family go as you ask:

Re: letting my family go – How does one do that exactly? Am I suppose to just fly to another country and pretend like I never had children or a husband? Am I suppose to act like they don’t exist when I see them? Am I suppose to shirk my responsibilities as a mother and a wife to literally castaway to the island of Patmos? What does this look like? These are the questions that I’m not getting answers to.

You certainly do NOT “act like they don’t exist. You “do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith. ” In this case ‘specially to they who are of your own household.’ But at the same time, you will be developing the attitude which Christ developed, “nevertheless not my will but thine be done.”
I do believe that God has given me a scripture just for you. I was not looking for a scripture just for you, it just came before me in my studies right after reading your letter. These are words about you, and they are words for you. God is going to use this experience to make you a witness to many others who have and who will go through this same excruciating experience:

Isa 50:4 The Lord GOD hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned.

Your blaspheming of God is what we all must endure. It is an essential part of ‘wakening our ears as the learned.’

Heb 5:14 But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, [ even] those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.

I hope you find these words of some comfort:

Psa 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

I am not thinking literally. This e- mail from you is but a type of the relief you will experience when the real “morning” arrives. And It is as sure as the rising of the Sun.
You are in my prayers, D____.